Kids. What Kids?

After ramming down our throats every parenting advice known to man.  Force feeding us Gina Fords’ parenting regime. Insisting on Super Nannys’, hitler style naughty corners and enlisting top graphic designers to dream up time sucking award charts - they now say we should forget about them! The kids that is. Yes.  Forget about them.  Kick the little darlings to the kerb!

They now claim that in order to bring up great kids we are to forget about them and focus on ourselves.

Trying to obtain rock solid advice these days on bringing up the next Einstein, is like nailing jelly to a wall.  The rules just keep moving and not even the experts can agree!

Now the gorgeous David Code, a therapist from America, says that too much time spent focused on our little treasures create demanding kids and exhausted Parents.  Reality is, I don’t know really know how good looking David is, I’ve not seen him, but I sure do love his advice.  My son Max, started crying the other day after his Dad and I had a row.  With all due respects, his and Dad and I don’t row often.  About once every couple of months. Now usually, such a scene would prompt me to bury him in my large buxom boobs, imprint kisses over his entire face and head, smother him with apologies then lay on thick, soothing words of, Mummy and Daddy are sorry darling, so, so, soooooooooooooooo sorry darling!

Stop! This time I chose not to.  It’s just a row for Christs sake and people do row! Welcome to life, is what I chose to say to him this time.  Welcome to life, my little love.

I’m sorry, but if I don’t stick a pin in this situation now, what’s gonna happen?  Every time someone has a row, he’s going to start balling his head off? Sorry, the child needs to get a grip.

It is true too, that many parents hide the real issues of their troubled marriage behind their kids.  Focusing on the kids, helps them to avoid facing the truth of the real issues of their marriage.  In therapeutic terms, it’s known as ‘Triangling’.  Indeed, many also will hide behind other activities such as the cooking, claiming to be the cooking mogul of the family when really they just don’t want to talk to their wives or their husbands.

This Triangling also features in the playground with three girl friends, for example.  Two will often team up and effectively ‘pick on’ the third girl. Thus in this case, the Parents team up and focus on the kids, or another permutation, is a parent and kid that teams up and focus on the third parent.

Getting Your Groove Back Advice:

Every day, along with different parenting advice, we are bombarded with the most frighting statistics pertaining to child rearing.  As mums too, we have that natural instinct to want to protect and care for our kids.  However, you and only you know, when you are using your kids as a rug to bury your real issues under.

I had a Relate Marriage Guidance Councillor on my show a couple of weeks back and seeing a councillor these days, is considered a hip thing to do.  You can even pop by and see one by yourself.  My advice is this.  Clear your issues from under the rug before, like a space ship preparing for launch, an unfavorable situation, blasts the real issues out.

If you do it before it gets to this, at least you stand a chance of saving your marriage!

Check out my family column in the South London Press,  every fortnight in the Pulse Section.

Why Women Cheat?

Anne Archer as Mrs Robinson....

I’m writing this on the back of today’s revelation that MP Mrs Iris Robinson, just like the Mrs Robinson in the film The Graduate, has confessed to having a real life affair with a lad who was 19 years old at the time.

However, before I get into the nitty gritty of all this, the hurt, the pain, the effect such betrayal has on a family and the reasons why this happens,  I have a slight confession to make.

There was a little glee in my eye when I read this.

I was just so darned pleased it was the Woman, having an affair with a younger model  and not the other way around, for a change!  I’m sorry – but does that make me a bad person?  I know two wrongs don’t make a right.  Its just that time and time again I hear stories of wives, who have stood loyally by their husbands for years on end and then, a bit of mid life crisis hits them and that’s it – they dump them for a younger model!  So all I’m saying is just watch it hubbies, that’s all .  It seems the forty plus year old women is back on the map with less and less stigma being attached to them dating men younger than themselves.  Okay there are limits I know – 19 is a bit young – but hey ho – still think it’s coo and you get my point?

• The artist  Sam Taylor Wood  and her young 19 year old bloke she’s preggers for
• Madonna and Jesus
• The young strapping Twighlight actor Robert Patterson confessed to fancying Elizabeth Shue, Patricia Arquette, who must be at least 50 today, and Dana Delany from the show Desperate Housewives.  Forty plus women are not just cast off’s any more (hee hee).

Now to the serious staff.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a true believer, by their very nature, women on a whole are not cut out for cheating.  If a woman cheats it generally because:

• She is feeling under valued at home
• Revenge for his unfaithfulness (my reason for being unfaithful once)
• If she feels her hubby/partner doesn’t appreciate her and some other guy so happens to be showering her with attention

Geez, looking at the above list, it’s all his fault!  Gosh, I’m sounding like a feminist.  I appreciate too, that there are always exception to the rules.  However,  I’m talking about those women who are not usually cut out for it.

Men tend to struggle emotionally a great deal more too, when having to look beyond an affair to save their marriage.

Getting your Groove Back Tip.

1. Sometimes men are talking a different language to us.  The love they have for us doesn’t necessarily look, like how we think it should look.  Flowers may look like him cooking dinner for a change or remembering to close the lid on the toilet seat.
2. Before you bring further destruction to your homes, look a little deeper at your relationship from his perspective.  You may be surprised to realise that he didn’t realise he was in fact doing anything wrong.  Try and understand his ‘language’ and explain to him yours.  Then look at meeting somewhere in the middle.
3. If you are thinking of cheating because he’s been unfaithful - you’re on a further route to destruction.
4. Finally, if some other bloke is piling it on thick – remember that most are like this at the beginning.  The Relationship really starts after the honeymoon period has ended.  When both parties have to extend themselves beyond what they really want to, that’s the bit they call compromise. That, is the real challenge.  So hey, just remember, you may find yourself in the same position with this new bloke a couple of years down the line.  If you’re thinking of leaving, be doing so for the right reason and not because some other guy is laying it on thick.

Jealousy aka Failed Potential Syndrome!

She’s a slim and pretty Mum whose married to a hunk who is charming and witty.  The kids are beautiful, perfect and smart and they all live happily together in a beautiful home in a lovely area.

The nightmare thickens – they are all really lovely people. You can’t even hate them.

Jealous?

According to an article in today’s news we are living in an era where it is deemed possible to have it all, so when people we know have something that we secretly wish for, we suffer from

Failed Potential Syndrome

aka, ENVY.

A common response to the above scenario therefore is, why her and not me.

Effects your lifestyle too!

The situation also extends itself to one’s career where many felt that their current profession is boring and wished they had their best friends job.

Personally, I’ve always felt that there were two types on envy.  The healthy envy, where another persons situation seeks only to inspire you and, the extremely unhealthy envy, which eats away at you and causes you to attack,  gossip about or put down those you are jealous of.

I think if it’s that important to you, anything is indeed possible and is more about doing something about your own unhappy situation – no matter how small.

In truth, it’s so much easier to sit there and moan about and to come up with a billion reasons as to why you are where you are or doing what your doing.

Getting your Groove Back Tip:

Stop busying yourself with other people.  We were all born with our own unique gifts.  Figure out what is your unique gift and focus on that.  You’ll be amazed what you’ll discover about yourself.

And no, it’s never too late to make a change (that’s just another one of your excuses).