Why Women Cheat?

Anne Archer as Mrs Robinson....

I’m writing this on the back of today’s revelation that MP Mrs Iris Robinson, just like the Mrs Robinson in the film The Graduate, has confessed to having a real life affair with a lad who was 19 years old at the time.

However, before I get into the nitty gritty of all this, the hurt, the pain, the effect such betrayal has on a family and the reasons why this happens,  I have a slight confession to make.

There was a little glee in my eye when I read this.

I was just so darned pleased it was the Woman, having an affair with a younger model  and not the other way around, for a change!  I’m sorry – but does that make me a bad person?  I know two wrongs don’t make a right.  Its just that time and time again I hear stories of wives, who have stood loyally by their husbands for years on end and then, a bit of mid life crisis hits them and that’s it – they dump them for a younger model!  So all I’m saying is just watch it hubbies, that’s all .  It seems the forty plus year old women is back on the map with less and less stigma being attached to them dating men younger than themselves.  Okay there are limits I know – 19 is a bit young – but hey ho – still think it’s coo and you get my point?

• The artist  Sam Taylor Wood  and her young 19 year old bloke she’s preggers for
• Madonna and Jesus
• The young strapping Twighlight actor Robert Patterson confessed to fancying Elizabeth Shue, Patricia Arquette, who must be at least 50 today, and Dana Delany from the show Desperate Housewives.  Forty plus women are not just cast off’s any more (hee hee).

Now to the serious staff.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a true believer, by their very nature, women on a whole are not cut out for cheating.  If a woman cheats it generally because:

• She is feeling under valued at home
• Revenge for his unfaithfulness (my reason for being unfaithful once)
• If she feels her hubby/partner doesn’t appreciate her and some other guy so happens to be showering her with attention

Geez, looking at the above list, it’s all his fault!  Gosh, I’m sounding like a feminist.  I appreciate too, that there are always exception to the rules.  However,  I’m talking about those women who are not usually cut out for it.

Men tend to struggle emotionally a great deal more too, when having to look beyond an affair to save their marriage.

Getting your Groove Back Tip.

1. Sometimes men are talking a different language to us.  The love they have for us doesn’t necessarily look, like how we think it should look.  Flowers may look like him cooking dinner for a change or remembering to close the lid on the toilet seat.
2. Before you bring further destruction to your homes, look a little deeper at your relationship from his perspective.  You may be surprised to realise that he didn’t realise he was in fact doing anything wrong.  Try and understand his ‘language’ and explain to him yours.  Then look at meeting somewhere in the middle.
3. If you are thinking of cheating because he’s been unfaithful - you’re on a further route to destruction.
4. Finally, if some other bloke is piling it on thick – remember that most are like this at the beginning.  The Relationship really starts after the honeymoon period has ended.  When both parties have to extend themselves beyond what they really want to, that’s the bit they call compromise. That, is the real challenge.  So hey, just remember, you may find yourself in the same position with this new bloke a couple of years down the line.  If you’re thinking of leaving, be doing so for the right reason and not because some other guy is laying it on thick.

Life after Divorce – How to Break Up without Breaking Down

It takes two to fight. If you stop fighting, they’ll be no fight and your ex will stop fighting too!

Madonna said she felt like jumping off of a cliff.  Paul McCartney said he took the positives out of the situation; no More arguing, no More nagging, no More Heather – PEACE at last!

Click Link for Audio Clip for Live Show of, Life After Divorce (press play then wait 30 secs)

Life after a divorce or after a break up from a long term serious relationship can be an emotional nightmare, often including bouts of depression and feelings of deep regret that can last a very long time.  It’s the end of the fairy tale that many simply struggle to get over.

On my Getting Your Groove back show, I was joined by Bill and Francesca from the Divorce Recovery Workshop.

There were moments when we laughed and moments when I had tears in my eyes .  There was moments too when we  all just simply reflected.

Bill, rightly so, is holding on to the dream of perhaps one day remarrying again and still believes in the institution if marriage and I think that’s GROOVE.  Why should one situation dictate the rest of his life.  Just three years has passed so naturally some pain is still evident.  Such a beautiful man, for sure, I wanted to take the pain from out of his heart, but then I know too, I’d be depriving him of the beautiful lessons there are about self to learn along the way.

For Fran,  whose ex husband no longer sees the children, marraige was a road she would rather not travel down again and happily settled with a new boyfriend. Fran was positive and upbeat and certainly had her groove back.

As for myself, for quite a while now I’ve been happy by myself with the thought of living with someone filling me with dread. Every day I’m smiling and loving my career path which simply consumes my days. Perhaps if and when I meet the right person, I appreciate my thoughts on the matter may indeed change.  In the meantime however, Groove is about having fun – which I sure do.

So is there life after divorce?

What was most apparent was that all three of us had different experiences and all at different levels of our recovery. There were times during the interview when I just wanted to hug Bill and tell him that is all gonna be okay.  Trust me I’ve been there and I know your pain.

The key areas for Getting your Groove Back was this:

• Join a support Group such as DWR.  Your friends and family will probably tire of listening to you, but your friends here won’t.
  
  
• Don’t beat yourself up.  It can take quite a few years before you feel yourself again. Each day however, is a step towards recovery.  The lessons on the way can be fun and so rewarding. As long as you keep waking, you’ll discover things about yourself you never knew existed.
  
• Get out of the emotional swimming pool.  As long as you’re swimming around is this pool of anxiety, anger, guilt and fear, you can’t think clearly and it prevents you from applying intellect to the situation.
  
• It takes two to fight.  If you stop fighting, they’ll be no fight and your ex spouse will eventually follow suit.
  

GYGB Shows, Live between 7-8pm Every Thursday by CLICKING HERE at Sydenham Radio.co.uk.

You can email me during the show on studio@sydenhamradio.co.uk, if you would like to ask my guests or myself any questions, or would like to share your own experiences.

Or email me here prior to the show if you have any issues you would like us to discuss.

Are you married to a Control Freak?

LISTEN HERE AUDIO: Are you married to a control freak?

The Katie and Peter splitting story has been rinsed in the press so much that its beginning to bore the absolute pants off of me.

However, there was a recent story about these guys that caught my eye only because there were certain elements that resonated with me.  Now, it’s possible that he is not a control freak and this is just a bit of clever PR spin on Katie’s side.  However, there were details that bought back memories of a control freak who I was once with, so raised the issue of controlling men.

Now Katie’s old mate said that in the early stages of their relationship, Pete was dead jealous of Katie’s thriving career when he was doing bugger all.

Also sounds a bit like the recent claims in the Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday about Ashley Cole’s jealousy towards his wife now she’s more successful than he is.  It seems even the female celebs are not immune to the effects of a husbands ego when they are doing better than he is.

Now her mate claimed three chilling areas about Pete’s controlling nature.  They were that he:

• Hated when she wore revealing clothing
• Tried to stop their friendship
• Appeared like a Mr nice guy to everybody else on the outside world which in turn, makes you sound like you like a nutter when you complain about him

And that’s exactly what my ex did do to me!!!

Indeed, such is the extent of Pete’s PR spin, I reckon he needs a couple of burly weight lifters just to support the ever growing halo above his head.

If the claims are true, like Saint Pete, if I wore a top with just a millimetre of my chest showing, my ex would insist that I don a polo neck.

He’d often knock my friends saying that they weren’t true friend and after slating him to my mates, (deep down I always knew he was a toss pot), on meeting him they would say HOW LOVELY HE WAS!

Spooky or what?

For the record, I’m no huge fan of Katie Price either and this is possibly PR spin for her too. She’s probably the last person I’d opt for having a coffee with.  Regardless, it raises the issue of controlling men.  Therefore, right is right and wrong is wrong and if he was jealous of her in the early days and tried to control her due to his own insecurities, lack of career success in those days and damaged ego, then that’s simply not GROOVY.  It’s Pants in fact and I’m glad Kate’s got rid of your sorry ass if that was the case Pete.  I appreciate that this usually means that the guy has his issues too, but we have to protect ourselves.

Why do I say that? Look at what happened to Katie Piper.  That sick ex-boyfriend of hers who arranged for Sulphuric acid to be thrown in her face.  It starts from emotional abuse this stuff and it’s not okay.  It starts from emotional abuse and has the potential of getting much, much worse.

Getting your groove back tip.

Emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse according to REFUGE, the amazing support organisation for women suffering from both from physical and mental abuse.

I lived in fear too.  Feared that if I ever left my ex, he too would also throw acid in my face.  Not because he loved me – oh no.  But because his very existence was dependent on having control over me because without that control, he was nothing!

It happened to a friend of mine, many years back.  I still feel the pain in my heart today as I did then when I saw what this inhumane monster had done her beautiful face.  On throwing the acid into her face he said, if I can’t have you, then nobody will’.   The damage, even after the best skin grafts in the world, is indescribable. Please let this be a warning to you!

Understand ladies, it is usually a weak insecure man who chooses to exert control in this way.  You must seek help and not bury the issue under the carpet. Once you start talking about it, it’s no longer in the dark, will then serve to empower you and ultimately release you from the shackles.

PS:  Don’t forget also that the support group Refuge deal with issues relating to both Emotional and Physical Abuse.  Click here for further information.

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Whitney’s lost Groove – How to Keep Yours

Poor old Whit did a such a poor job on the x factor the other day I couldn’t help but wonder who in heavens name is mentoring her.  Someone in her close knit circle should of seen the state she was in and not have allowed that performance to go ahead.

She looked awful, is clearly still not well and the drugs have certainly had an effect on her voice.

I was embarrassed for her.  So saddened also that a Man was at the source of her destruction and able to reduce our Diva to what we see today.

Today however, I am reassured by a video I’ve just seen of her on TV.  She looked fab and sounded great too. Just like good old Whit.

Getting Your Groove Back Tip:

• I know from experience that escaping something one is emotionally trapped in is like climbing out of quick sand.
  
• It’s a journey to fully get your groove back and every step made is a milestone.  One has to keep focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s when there’s no light it feels pretty awful.  The light will reappear however, so never give up becuase that light does come back. It may be small at first – but eventually it grows and grows and gets bigger and bigger
• Then Before you know it… you’re at the beginning of Getting Your Groove Back!

Why having a Toy Boy is Groovy!

Artist Sam-Taylor Wood, aged 41 has certainly GOT HER GROOVE BACK, with plans to marry her 19 year old top boy lover.

Personally I think it’s fantastic!

Must admit, I’ve always fancied guys a tad younger than myself.  Their bodies just seem a bit fitter and really, the idea of doing it with a crinkly old man, even if he’s wealthy, fills me with dread.

I remember dating a much older man to myself once.  He was quite wealthy. Very wealthy in fact. All was going well, until that dreaded bedroom moment.

On dropping his pants, he revealed a pair of  huge sparkling white Y Fronts with skinny crinkly legs sticking out of each hole.

I’m sorry, call me prudish, childish, superficial, stupid, small mined, whatever; but I just couldn’t do it.  The deed that is. I was completely turned off.  I’m trying to grow up, really I am.  I know it’s childish, but I’m trying.

Getting Your Groove Back Tip:

40’s is the new 20’s with more and more young celebs dating older women or vice versa.  Look at Madonna and Jesus too – great eh!  Gone are the days that when our hubbies left us for a younger model, meant life was over for us.  Oh no, quite the contrary in fact – now it seems life has only just begun!  Whoohoooo!!!!

X Factor – Danyl Looses his Groove

The UK is gripped by it and I have to admit,  so am I.

It peeves me to no end when one of my mummy mates invites me round for supper or something when all I want to do is curl up on the sofa for my weekly guilty pleasure.

It was a bit sad that Daniel had the groove kicked out of him this week because all the stuff written about him in the papers.  This led to a rather sombre performance which upset me greatly because each week, my little devil horns pop out of my head whilst I pray that he drops that microphone he keeps slinging from one hand to the other.

Then there’s Jamie Archer, aka Three Afro’s by my son and I because he looks like a poodle with an afro on each side of his head and another one on top.  He however,  disappointedly sorted his hair out this week also.

It soon won’t be worth watching if everyone starts looking and acting normal!

Getting Your Groove back Tip:

Support the twins Guys!!!! They are so bloody stupid and pissing everyone off,  it makes the show a bit of a giggle.

Hey – there’s people dying out there.  You’ve got to have a larf!

Happy Halloween – Except for Sean Wayans

Geez, have we forgotten how to laugh?

Met one of my Mummy mates for lunch in that fab new cafe in the Lido in Brockwell Park and  mentioned to her how much I’ve always wanted to host a Halloween party for adults.

Well stone the crows – Oh no she said.  That’s devil worshipping!

I at the time of course, thought she was absolutely banana’s.

Another madness.  Sean Wayans attended a Halloween Party this year and didn’t wear a costume? Exactly, how much effort would it of taken.  Why did he bother to go?

Moreover, in today’s Daily Mail, there’s an article saying the same thing from the Vatican calling Halloween anti-Christian.

I was brought up in religion so have a great respect for religious issues and beliefs.  Religion is at the core of my being.

But Bloody Blimey Mate - It’s just a bit of fun, you know, giggle giggle, ha ha…

Getting Your Groove Back Tip:

God wants Spiritual fruits not Religious Nuts.

Mothers Against Guns

Lucy Cope, the mother who heads this campaign will be marching today to Downing Street with a 1000 strong foothold.

Lucy lost her own son, Damien to street crime earlier this year.

I just can’t imagine what it would be like to loose my kid in any way or form.

I take my hat off to Lucy.  Apparently, she wants the minimum sentence for those carrying guns to be raised to ten years.  She certainly has my full support.

As for me, sometimes I wonder if I’m a bit naive to the reality of what’s happening on our streets of London.  Do I have to fear for son for when he is older?  Is it likely that he’ll be walking home one evening from a football or tennis game for example and getting shot after being mugged of his mobile phone or the like?

Or, are these crimes limited to those who are involved in gun crime themselves?  A form of retaliation and a situation of living by the gun and therefore dying by the gun? If so, how did it all begin?

I always think that so many lives are lost when someone dies in this way.  Not just tragically the person who has been killed but also the person who has committed the crime.  Surely when he is caught and sitting in his cell faced with a minimum of at thirty years in prison – surely, but surely he must ask himself, was it worth it? I’ve heard that at the beginning of their sentence, you can hear their wails of despair and tears  for days echoing down the prison cells and the other inmates try everything to block out the sounds.

For their Mums too have lost a son – alive on the outside, but dead in prison. When released he’ll be an old man.

Was it worth it?  Why don’t these boys think of the consequences?

In any case, the reporting of this march has at the very least made me stop and think about the those Mothers on both sides of the coin, who have lost a child.

The whole situation is heartbreaking.

Getting your Groove Back:

Lucy Cope and Mothers like her have shown such courage through what is still and will for be for many years to come, a difficult time.  I and many others pray for strength like hers.

I’m sure she feels like curling up in a ball- but no. Instead she has chosen to fight and bring about change so that her pain and the loss of her son, will not be in vain.

That is what we call Groove.

For Better For Worse – When to stick to your vows and when not to

The wife of Dr Edwin Ewin, the guy who was found guilty of poisoning the drinks of his pregnant lover to induce an abortion, is sticking by him!

You want to know what’s more? Dr Edwin Ewin’s work colleagues didn’t know he was even married AND his wife said she was fully aware that in the past, he has had several long term mistresses.

His pregnant lover, Bella Prowse, was also unaware that he was married whilst they were dating and became suspious of when he’s desire for her to have an abortion got a bit cranky and yellow powered residue was floating on the top of a cup of tea he had bought for her .

The wife, Lowri Phylip, said his lover was a silly woman and was nonetheless, as Dolly Parton put it in her classic love song, standing by her man.

Wo! – commitment to the very end eh. This woman wasn’t messing when she said, ‘I do’!

She said she felt contempt towards the judicial system for choosing to believe this woman over and above her ‘respectable husband Doctor’  - Dr Poison had claimed, that it was his lover who tried to poison herself to stitch him up.

I think Mrs Lowi is a tad delusional don’t you?

Still, who am I to judge.  If I was as insecure as Mrs Lowi and had lived through her life experiences, who’s to say that I wouldn’t be saying the same nonsense myself. There’s many of us who’ve lived in denial in the past, albeit to a more or lesser degree.  Not a problem I think as long as we acknowledge that no matter how much we want to bury the truth to the deep recesses of our mind,  it will resurface.  Thus, the longer we take to face it, the bigger the emotional explosion when do.

I recall another situation like this when I was living in Islington.  My neighbour’s husband confessed to abusing their kids.  However, the wife had convinced herself that it possibly wasn’t true as he was having a break down at the time and didn’t really know what he was saying- hence like Mrs Lowi and our wee Dolly’s love song, she was standing by her man.

Getting your Groove Back Tip:

Well I’m gob smacked with this one just as I was with my neighbour all them years back.  Talk about taking your vows to the bitter end.  With all said and done however, I am only left with sad thoughts on this situation and those are this…

Firstly, it makes me wonder what lengths women will go to just to be able to say they are married.

Secondly and most importantly it makes me remember that as woman, mum, carer and the like, we really have to learn to love ourselves first.  That’s groove.

We have to be brave and trust.

It is said, we should face the truth and the truth will  set us free.

If we walk, everything will be okay.

Things will work out.

They always do.

Its the universal law.

Jealousy aka Failed Potential Syndrome!

She’s a slim and pretty Mum whose married to a hunk who is charming and witty.  The kids are beautiful, perfect and smart and they all live happily together in a beautiful home in a lovely area.

The nightmare thickens – they are all really lovely people. You can’t even hate them.

Jealous?

According to an article in today’s news we are living in an era where it is deemed possible to have it all, so when people we know have something that we secretly wish for, we suffer from

Failed Potential Syndrome

aka, ENVY.

A common response to the above scenario therefore is, why her and not me.

Effects your lifestyle too!

The situation also extends itself to one’s career where many felt that their current profession is boring and wished they had their best friends job.

Personally, I’ve always felt that there were two types on envy.  The healthy envy, where another persons situation seeks only to inspire you and, the extremely unhealthy envy, which eats away at you and causes you to attack,  gossip about or put down those you are jealous of.

I think if it’s that important to you, anything is indeed possible and is more about doing something about your own unhappy situation – no matter how small.

In truth, it’s so much easier to sit there and moan about and to come up with a billion reasons as to why you are where you are or doing what your doing.

Getting your Groove Back Tip:

Stop busying yourself with other people.  We were all born with our own unique gifts.  Figure out what is your unique gift and focus on that.  You’ll be amazed what you’ll discover about yourself.

And no, it’s never too late to make a change (that’s just another one of your excuses).

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