Kids. What Kids?

After ramming down our throats every parenting advice known to man.  Force feeding us Gina Fords’ parenting regime. Insisting on Super Nannys’, hitler style naughty corners and enlisting top graphic designers to dream up time sucking award charts - they now say we should forget about them! The kids that is. Yes.  Forget about them.  Kick the little darlings to the kerb!

They now claim that in order to bring up great kids we are to forget about them and focus on ourselves.

Trying to obtain rock solid advice these days on bringing up the next Einstein, is like nailing jelly to a wall.  The rules just keep moving and not even the experts can agree!

Now the gorgeous David Code, a therapist from America, says that too much time spent focused on our little treasures create demanding kids and exhausted Parents.  Reality is, I don’t know really know how good looking David is, I’ve not seen him, but I sure do love his advice.  My son Max, started crying the other day after his Dad and I had a row.  With all due respects, his and Dad and I don’t row often.  About once every couple of months. Now usually, such a scene would prompt me to bury him in my large buxom boobs, imprint kisses over his entire face and head, smother him with apologies then lay on thick, soothing words of, Mummy and Daddy are sorry darling, so, so, soooooooooooooooo sorry darling!

Stop! This time I chose not to.  It’s just a row for Christs sake and people do row! Welcome to life, is what I chose to say to him this time.  Welcome to life, my little love.

I’m sorry, but if I don’t stick a pin in this situation now, what’s gonna happen?  Every time someone has a row, he’s going to start balling his head off? Sorry, the child needs to get a grip.

It is true too, that many parents hide the real issues of their troubled marriage behind their kids.  Focusing on the kids, helps them to avoid facing the truth of the real issues of their marriage.  In therapeutic terms, it’s known as ‘Triangling’.  Indeed, many also will hide behind other activities such as the cooking, claiming to be the cooking mogul of the family when really they just don’t want to talk to their wives or their husbands.

This Triangling also features in the playground with three girl friends, for example.  Two will often team up and effectively ‘pick on’ the third girl. Thus in this case, the Parents team up and focus on the kids, or another permutation, is a parent and kid that teams up and focus on the third parent.

Getting Your Groove Back Advice:

Every day, along with different parenting advice, we are bombarded with the most frighting statistics pertaining to child rearing.  As mums too, we have that natural instinct to want to protect and care for our kids.  However, you and only you know, when you are using your kids as a rug to bury your real issues under.

I had a Relate Marriage Guidance Councillor on my show a couple of weeks back and seeing a councillor these days, is considered a hip thing to do.  You can even pop by and see one by yourself.  My advice is this.  Clear your issues from under the rug before, like a space ship preparing for launch, an unfavorable situation, blasts the real issues out.

If you do it before it gets to this, at least you stand a chance of saving your marriage!

How to Keep the Magic in Your Marraige

Discussed

of the Getting Your Groove Back Show on with with Melinda

Walker,  qualified Relate Counsellor

coming soon: PODCAST OF SHOW.  SUBSCRIBE NOW TO BE ADVISED OF WHEN AVAILABLE

No, the Step Kids won’t Disappear!

Sandra Bullocks, who’s married to Jesse James, admits her three step kids call her the Step Monster – which she rightly laughs off.  Not always easy I know, but it’s the only way.

Looking at the situation from everyone’s perspective is the route to perfect harmony.

Step children and Step Parenting is the product of modern day relationships – I call it dating in the 21st Century.

It’s almost unavoidable to meet and marry someone these days who does not already have children. Just today, I met a young pretty girl no older than 25, who is doing the fortnightly trips to Scotland with her boyfriend to visit his two kids from a previous relationship.  I’m sure that wasn’t the plan for her or her parents when she was growing up –  but hey ho – welcome to life!

It’s so tough for everyone involved.  Enough has already been written about the failure rates for second marraiges  attributed mainly to the issue of the step kids, so there is little point going on about the same.  We’re all about finding solutions here.

My son often refers to his Dad’s girlfriend and my boyfriend in the most unfavorable terms no matter how much I tell him not to – when really, he’s just afraid of loosing us both.  There are so just many fears and anxiety’s flying around it’s difficult to put a lid on it.

Getting Your Groove Back Advice:

• Leave discipline to the biological parent
• Understand, everything takes time.  The situation does eventually find it’s groove.
• Children often eventually feel pleased that they have additional brothers and sisters and are part of a larger family
• Try DESPERATELY to see things from everybody’s perspective
• The children didn’t ask for this situation.  You are the adult.  Children are not emotionally equipped to deal with this logically – You are, or are supposed to be!
• Consider sending the children to a kids coach, such as Naomi Richards.
• Understand that kids often feel disloyal to their biological parent if they love you too.
• Establish another relationship with them. You are not the kids replacment Mum.  They already have a mum.  You can however, be a wonderful Aunty figure to them
• Finally, STAY CALM AND CARRY ON. Smile and add humour to the situation like Sandra Bullock.  Read the blog dulwichdivorcee.com if you want a laugh.

Relationship Advice

Relationship advice: see alternative links

Divorced, Dating and Hating it!

Missing the tender kiss on the forehead?

A warm chest (or breasts) to snuggle into on a freezing cold night?

Or simply, miss having someone to ask you ‘how was your day today’?

BUT find this whole Internet dating thing a Blooming Nightmare!

Look out for ‘Tigers’. Yes the ‘Tiger Woods’ of the world.  Married men are also on the prowl on Internet sites.  Research shows that over a third of men on Internet sites are married.  Just like you may meet someone in a bar or club who may be married the same applies and caution needs to be applied to sites. Look out for dodgy stories that don’t quit fit and shifty eye movements.

Get a life! To spend every hour of your living day pursuing the dream of finding a man makes you desperate, unattractive and uninteresting. The more you have a life of your own, the less vulnearble you are and the more confident it makes you.

Check out our hot Dating Tips to find the one

• Register your details to be advised of future shows!

Ps:  Pass on to a friend/s in need using the boxes below. X

Dating a Toy Boy

The artist Sam Taylor Wood, is up the spout for her 19 year old Toy Boy lover – Good for Her!

Nineteen year olds seem to be in the new ‘Accessory’.  Tad too young for me, I must say – but you go girl!

Getting your groove back advice;

I always advise, that you’ve simply got to open up your options when you’re looking for someone new.  ’Remember, noting has meaning except he meaning you give it and if you keep doing the same thing, you’ll get the same results.

Share this advice with someone else in need using the boxes below. X

Why Women Cheat?

Anne Archer as Mrs Robinson....

I’m writing this on the back of today’s revelation that MP Mrs Iris Robinson, just like the Mrs Robinson in the film The Graduate, has confessed to having a real life affair with a lad who was 19 years old at the time.

However, before I get into the nitty gritty of all this, the hurt, the pain, the effect such betrayal has on a family and the reasons why this happens,  I have a slight confession to make.

There was a little glee in my eye when I read this.

I was just so darned pleased it was the Woman, having an affair with a younger model  and not the other way around, for a change!  I’m sorry – but does that make me a bad person?  I know two wrongs don’t make a right.  Its just that time and time again I hear stories of wives, who have stood loyally by their husbands for years on end and then, a bit of mid life crisis hits them and that’s it – they dump them for a younger model!  So all I’m saying is just watch it hubbies, that’s all .  It seems the forty plus year old women is back on the map with less and less stigma being attached to them dating men younger than themselves.  Okay there are limits I know – 19 is a bit young – but hey ho – still think it’s coo and you get my point?

• The artist  Sam Taylor Wood  and her young 19 year old bloke she’s preggers for
• Madonna and Jesus
• The young strapping Twighlight actor Robert Patterson confessed to fancying Elizabeth Shue, Patricia Arquette, who must be at least 50 today, and Dana Delany from the show Desperate Housewives.  Forty plus women are not just cast off’s any more (hee hee).

Now to the serious staff.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m a true believer, by their very nature, women on a whole are not cut out for cheating.  If a woman cheats it generally because:

• She is feeling under valued at home
• Revenge for his unfaithfulness (my reason for being unfaithful once)
• If she feels her hubby/partner doesn’t appreciate her and some other guy so happens to be showering her with attention

Geez, looking at the above list, it’s all his fault!  Gosh, I’m sounding like a feminist.  I appreciate too, that there are always exception to the rules.  However,  I’m talking about those women who are not usually cut out for it.

Men tend to struggle emotionally a great deal more too, when having to look beyond an affair to save their marriage.

Getting your Groove Back Tip.

1. Sometimes men are talking a different language to us.  The love they have for us doesn’t necessarily look, like how we think it should look.  Flowers may look like him cooking dinner for a change or remembering to close the lid on the toilet seat.
2. Before you bring further destruction to your homes, look a little deeper at your relationship from his perspective.  You may be surprised to realise that he didn’t realise he was in fact doing anything wrong.  Try and understand his ‘language’ and explain to him yours.  Then look at meeting somewhere in the middle.
3. If you are thinking of cheating because he’s been unfaithful - you’re on a further route to destruction.
4. Finally, if some other bloke is piling it on thick – remember that most are like this at the beginning.  The Relationship really starts after the honeymoon period has ended.  When both parties have to extend themselves beyond what they really want to, that’s the bit they call compromise. That, is the real challenge.  So hey, just remember, you may find yourself in the same position with this new bloke a couple of years down the line.  If you’re thinking of leaving, be doing so for the right reason and not because some other guy is laying it on thick.

Life after Divorce – How to Break Up without Breaking Down

It takes two to fight. If you stop fighting, they’ll be no fight and your ex will stop fighting too!

Madonna said she felt like jumping off of a cliff.  Paul McCartney said he took the positives out of the situation; no More arguing, no More nagging, no More Heather – PEACE at last!

Click Link for Audio Clip for Live Show of, Life After Divorce (press play then wait 30 secs)

Life after a divorce or after a break up from a long term serious relationship can be an emotional nightmare, often including bouts of depression and feelings of deep regret that can last a very long time.  It’s the end of the fairy tale that many simply struggle to get over.

On my Getting Your Groove back show, I was joined by Bill and Francesca from the Divorce Recovery Workshop.

There were moments when we laughed and moments when I had tears in my eyes .  There was moments too when we  all just simply reflected.

Bill, rightly so, is holding on to the dream of perhaps one day remarrying again and still believes in the institution if marriage and I think that’s GROOVE.  Why should one situation dictate the rest of his life.  Just three years has passed so naturally some pain is still evident.  Such a beautiful man, for sure, I wanted to take the pain from out of his heart, but then I know too, I’d be depriving him of the beautiful lessons there are about self to learn along the way.

For Fran,  whose ex husband no longer sees the children, marraige was a road she would rather not travel down again and happily settled with a new boyfriend. Fran was positive and upbeat and certainly had her groove back.

As for myself, for quite a while now I’ve been happy by myself with the thought of living with someone filling me with dread. Every day I’m smiling and loving my career path which simply consumes my days. Perhaps if and when I meet the right person, I appreciate my thoughts on the matter may indeed change.  In the meantime however, Groove is about having fun – which I sure do.

So is there life after divorce?

What was most apparent was that all three of us had different experiences and all at different levels of our recovery. There were times during the interview when I just wanted to hug Bill and tell him that is all gonna be okay.  Trust me I’ve been there and I know your pain.

The key areas for Getting your Groove Back was this:

• Join a support Group such as DWR.  Your friends and family will probably tire of listening to you, but your friends here won’t.
  
  
• Don’t beat yourself up.  It can take quite a few years before you feel yourself again. Each day however, is a step towards recovery.  The lessons on the way can be fun and so rewarding. As long as you keep waking, you’ll discover things about yourself you never knew existed.
  
• Get out of the emotional swimming pool.  As long as you’re swimming around is this pool of anxiety, anger, guilt and fear, you can’t think clearly and it prevents you from applying intellect to the situation.
  
• It takes two to fight.  If you stop fighting, they’ll be no fight and your ex spouse will eventually follow suit.
  

GYGB Shows, Live between 7-8pm Every Thursday by CLICKING HERE at Sydenham Radio.co.uk.

You can email me during the show on studio@sydenhamradio.co.uk, if you would like to ask my guests or myself any questions, or would like to share your own experiences.

Or email me here prior to the show if you have any issues you would like us to discuss.

Are you married to a Control Freak?

LISTEN HERE AUDIO: Are you married to a control freak?

The Katie and Peter splitting story has been rinsed in the press so much that its beginning to bore the absolute pants off of me.

However, there was a recent story about these guys that caught my eye only because there were certain elements that resonated with me.  Now, it’s possible that he is not a control freak and this is just a bit of clever PR spin on Katie’s side.  However, there were details that bought back memories of a control freak who I was once with, so raised the issue of controlling men.

Now Katie’s old mate said that in the early stages of their relationship, Pete was dead jealous of Katie’s thriving career when he was doing bugger all.

Also sounds a bit like the recent claims in the Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday about Ashley Cole’s jealousy towards his wife now she’s more successful than he is.  It seems even the female celebs are not immune to the effects of a husbands ego when they are doing better than he is.

Now her mate claimed three chilling areas about Pete’s controlling nature.  They were that he:

• Hated when she wore revealing clothing
• Tried to stop their friendship
• Appeared like a Mr nice guy to everybody else on the outside world which in turn, makes you sound like you like a nutter when you complain about him

And that’s exactly what my ex did do to me!!!

Indeed, such is the extent of Pete’s PR spin, I reckon he needs a couple of burly weight lifters just to support the ever growing halo above his head.

If the claims are true, like Saint Pete, if I wore a top with just a millimetre of my chest showing, my ex would insist that I don a polo neck.

He’d often knock my friends saying that they weren’t true friend and after slating him to my mates, (deep down I always knew he was a toss pot), on meeting him they would say HOW LOVELY HE WAS!

Spooky or what?

For the record, I’m no huge fan of Katie Price either and this is possibly PR spin for her too. She’s probably the last person I’d opt for having a coffee with.  Regardless, it raises the issue of controlling men.  Therefore, right is right and wrong is wrong and if he was jealous of her in the early days and tried to control her due to his own insecurities, lack of career success in those days and damaged ego, then that’s simply not GROOVY.  It’s Pants in fact and I’m glad Kate’s got rid of your sorry ass if that was the case Pete.  I appreciate that this usually means that the guy has his issues too, but we have to protect ourselves.

Why do I say that? Look at what happened to Katie Piper.  That sick ex-boyfriend of hers who arranged for Sulphuric acid to be thrown in her face.  It starts from emotional abuse this stuff and it’s not okay.  It starts from emotional abuse and has the potential of getting much, much worse.

Getting your groove back tip.

Emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse according to REFUGE, the amazing support organisation for women suffering from both from physical and mental abuse.

I lived in fear too.  Feared that if I ever left my ex, he too would also throw acid in my face.  Not because he loved me – oh no.  But because his very existence was dependent on having control over me because without that control, he was nothing!

It happened to a friend of mine, many years back.  I still feel the pain in my heart today as I did then when I saw what this inhumane monster had done her beautiful face.  On throwing the acid into her face he said, if I can’t have you, then nobody will’.   The damage, even after the best skin grafts in the world, is indescribable. Please let this be a warning to you!

Understand ladies, it is usually a weak insecure man who chooses to exert control in this way.  You must seek help and not bury the issue under the carpet. Once you start talking about it, it’s no longer in the dark, will then serve to empower you and ultimately release you from the shackles.

PS:  Don’t forget also that the support group Refuge deal with issues relating to both Emotional and Physical Abuse.  Click here for further information.

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Whitney’s lost Groove – How to Keep Yours

Poor old Whit did a such a poor job on the x factor the other day I couldn’t help but wonder who in heavens name is mentoring her.  Someone in her close knit circle should of seen the state she was in and not have allowed that performance to go ahead.

She looked awful, is clearly still not well and the drugs have certainly had an effect on her voice.

I was embarrassed for her.  So saddened also that a Man was at the source of her destruction and able to reduce our Diva to what we see today.

Today however, I am reassured by a video I’ve just seen of her on TV.  She looked fab and sounded great too. Just like good old Whit.

Getting Your Groove Back Tip:

• I know from experience that escaping something one is emotionally trapped in is like climbing out of quick sand.
  
• It’s a journey to fully get your groove back and every step made is a milestone.  One has to keep focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s when there’s no light it feels pretty awful.  The light will reappear however, so never give up becuase that light does come back. It may be small at first – but eventually it grows and grows and gets bigger and bigger
• Then Before you know it… you’re at the beginning of Getting Your Groove Back!

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